Memories

Memories.  It's a simple word, easily defined, yet the power these moments in time that continue to visit us in the present is unbelievable.  A simple act in the present can bring about an onslaught of negative moments.  The already feeble walls of the mind can't bear any more resistance against them.  The stones of the carefully crafted wall begin to crumble one by one, sending the holder of the memories deeper into the swirl of emotions surrounded by the memories.  Memories are are meticulously constructed over years.  They become embellished, construed, biased based on other people's accounts of the same story.  No two human's memories are the same.

I still remember the yelling, the anger, the loud bang of him throwing her up against the wall.  The loud resounding crack of him slamming the door shut.  For the longest time I thought I had created this story, refusing to believe my father could be like that.  But, no, the memory was as real as a representation of reality could be.

I still remember how his rough, long hands felt on my body.  I remember his low chuckle when I told him to stop.  I remember how he tried to sooth me as I tried to get up, continuing his invasion.  I remember the feeling of the tears as he continued.  I remember the feeling of complete solitude, even though someone was in the room down the hall.  People who are passed out drunk aren't too much help when they don't hear your pleas for him to stop.  I remember the feeling of no one being there after it happened.  The feeling that it was completely my fault.  The present is bringing all of these thoughts back to me now.  But, it can be different.  I can be there for her.  She can do something about it.  She is not helpless.  Whereas even today, I am helpless.  Helpless against the emotions that swirl in my head, throughout my body.  The feeling to shut down, shut out everyone.  The feeling of being alone.  Again.  Being twelve years old.  Not understanding what is going on.  That is how I feel even now- Today.  I wish someone was here to hug me and tell me it's all over, but there is no one.  I am here, by myself, I should be strong enough to handle this for not only me, but her.